The New Whitman
by CeleryLapel
Summary: Jeff coaches Greendale's debate team based on anonymous tumblr prompt; written for tumblr Community Appreciation Week 2017


"The New Whitman"

Summary: Jeff coaches Greendale's debate team. Based on anonymous Tumblr prompt

Written for Tumblr Community Appreciation Week 2017

Prompt: post-canon fic

"You're doing an _excellent_ job, Janine."

The straight-A Greendale Community College junior stared at her debate coach, the infamously sour and sarcastic Professor Winger. He was sitting back in his chair, arms crossed, lips pushing out slightly with just the hint of a frown.

It was the expression he often used when a student said something he would later label _asinine_.

Her eyes widening, she sputtered, "Just give me a minute!"

Professor Winger sat upright and stared at her intently.

Janine was conscious of feeling prickly and sweaty, the heat from the gymnasium lights hitting her forehead as she continued to stand at the podium for the mock debate.

They all knew the stakes were high, hence the extra preparation after the usual debate coach, Professor Whitman, was taken violently ill with food poisoning. City College had won last year's regional competition, publically humiliating Janine and her debate partner, Joey "Doc" Smithee.

Dean Pelton said they needed to crush City College this year.

Janine wasn't so sure about Professor Winger. She'd only been in his Intro to Law Argumentation class for the past two months, but he had a reputation for being kind of an ass.

He was entertaining enough as a law professor, she supposed. He taught them some things, such as how to make such a convoluted argument that you'd throw off your opposing counsel within minutes, virtually guaranteeing if not a win at least a long recess. But his lectures were sprinkled with bouts of laziness, putting on tangentially related films when she strongly suspected he was nursing a hangover. On several occasions so far this semester, she noticed circles under his eyes and a tendency to nod off during the movies or when a fellow classmate was droning on in a class speech.

She heard the rumors that he used to be a student here, that he had coasted through his classes on his wit and his looks and that he had a knack for persuasion. All the students agreed he was a stunningly attractive man; he normally had a beard but had recently shaved it and now sported varying bits of stubble, depending on the week. She had to admit this tended to make him seem younger.

So far he had been extremely inconsistent as a teacher. Some days he seemed on his game, and others he was almost dead and appeared more his age and then some. She was pretty sure he was an alcoholic. It was the only thing that made sense.

She was therefore more than skeptical about his ability to be a proper debate coach. Sure, part of her hoped he'd be the charming wonder and coach them to victory. But there was just as equal of a chance that he'd show up in sunglasses with his head down on the table.

She missed Professor Whitman; although he tended to be a bit flighty, he was like a ray of sunshine and knew how to lift their spirits.

Of course, lifting spirits didn't really help last year.

"Hey, Janine. Focus. I was being sarcastic. That was terrible. Do it again."

She pursed her lips and gripped the podium, her eyes going to Doc, who was cringing in their seat next to Professor Winger. She took a deep breath.

"Man is selfish."

X

X

X

Jeff knew he'd regret this. The Dean had promised him some extra cash for the coaching as well as some more flexibility with his teaching schedule next summer; god knows he could use it.

But this would be a huge pain.

Why did Eustice have to eat the potato salad at the faculty picnic? Everyone knew to stay away from Duncan's attempts at domesticity. Plus, Britta was the one who did the grocery shopping and Jeff knew for a fact she tended to not pay attention to expiration dates. Probably one of their weird cats had gotten into the mayonnaise as well.

The Dean had to call in Shirley, who recently moved back to the area with her boys, as an emergency Accounting instructor. She needed the money and was very knowledgeable about the subject, having had to manage her own business and do her own books. Rumor had it she was actually teaching an Intro to Accounting class and expected the best from her class. The stunned students didn't know how to respond, having spent most of the semester thus far weaving baskets and climbing trees.

While Jeff liked having Shirley around, this was a really bad time for him to take on the debate fiasco. Sure, he could slack off on it, he supposed, but whenever he looked into the trophy display case, he knew he owed it to Greendale to get them another win.

Damn Study Group Induced Guilt Syndrome.

He attempted to focus his attention on what Doc was saying, but his head was a little dizzy and his eyesight blurry. He needed a nap.

"…Lesley Knope. Man is giving."

Jeff smiled tightly and willed himself to pull it together.

X

X

X

The Dean peeked into the gymnasium, his spirits lifted now that Jeffrey was in charge. Although he appreciated Eustice's optimism and cheery disposition, he had been seriously worried about this year's debate. Stephen had been being a complete lunatic about it, pushing his face inches from his and hissing that City College would triumph.

He blushed just a little before taking a deep breath and pushing open the door. He waltzed over and sat next to Jeffrey, leaning over and gently tapping his shoulder.

Sometimes he felt sorry for Jeffrey in a way. He used to be so graceful as he strutted down the hall in the good old days. But now… The Dean inwardly sighed.

When he got no response, he gave him a good shove.

"Huh? I'm awake. Selfish." Jeffrey's eyes flew open.

The Dean cast an apologetic glance over at the students, who were both at their respective podiums, still conducting their mock debate. They had been awkwardly murmuring their responses, no longer directing their words toward their coach. But now they stopped entirely and stared at them.

Jeffrey tensed and then said, "Let's do it again. From the top."

Groans.

He added, "You always have to be prepared for things not to go your way. Use interruptions to your advantage. For example, the Dean is here and likely has a _selfish_ agenda. Work with that."

The Dean leaned in and whispered, "Give them a fifteen minute break."

His eyes still on the students, Jeffrey replied, "No, Craig. We need to win this."

"You have two more days."

Jeffrey barely moved his lips as he explained in a hushed tone, "That's barely enough. One of my students did some reconnaissance, and it looks like City College has Jeremy Simmons' younger brother as their lead debater."

"Well, now…"

-"But I suppose you already knew that. Spreck hand-selected him and gave him a full tuition scholarship if he agreed to be on the debate team every year. He came right from Riverside High."

The Dean didn't miss it when Jeffrey turned his eyes toward him for a brief moment. Sure, it was likely a judgmental glare, but he'd take it. He was getting a glimpse of the old Jeffrey. The Jeffrey who didn't like to lose.

He smirked. "All the more reason to have _you_ in charge, Jeffrey. But really, we all understand if you can't go full steam ahead with this. We know things have been difficult for you lately."

Jeffrey winced.

He continued, "And the students aren't used to being pushed."

He let his words linger in the air and regarded Jeffrey tentatively.

"They need to be pushed."

He attempted to hide his triumphant smile, but then realized Jeffrey wasn't looking at him anyway and was now leaning forward on the table and barking orders at the debaters.

"Janine! I strongly suggest you go after Doc's reasoning on nutrition."

"What?"

"One word. Cheeseburgers."

"Oh, man!"

"Shut up, Doc. Let her have her turn. Okay, kids, don't let me down or we're not going to the Shake Shack."

"We're going to the Shake Shack?"

"Only if you don't fuck this up. I'm _selfish_ with my time."

X

X

X

Britta and Shirley, with their special visitor, giggled as they entered the mostly empty gymnasium, quickly finding their seats near the front. Jeff, who was busy adjusting the podium as Stephen had been an ass and moved theirs back a few inches, looked up and widened his eyes.

There came a squeal.

" _Daddy!"_

Jeff instinctively grinned at his daughter, who was bouncing in her seat between Shirley and Britta. He cast Britta a frown but then refocused his attention on Maddie.

He affected a bemused tone. "Well, hi. What are you doing here?"

" _Hi, id me! Ta da!"_

Jeff nodded, suppressing a smirk as he hopped off the stage and made his way over to them.

Doc and Janine, who were fiddling with their headsets and in general silently panicking over their upcoming performance, exchanged surprised looks and then watched their coach crouch down and greet a squealing sandy-blonde haired toddler who had the largest blue eyes they had ever seen. They were more than a little confused why their new accounting professor and their guidance counselor were there as well.

As Jeff hugged Maddie, he addressed his friends.

"She can't be here. She's two."

Shirley cooed, "I know! We thought we'd bring her by before you all got started."

He smiled at Maddie's attempts to wriggle around in their embrace. He gently moved her hands away from his face where she had begun to moderately smack him in her giddiness at their reunion. Feeling his heart do the little thump-ity thing it always did when he was in her presence, he did his best to remain focused on the fact that Shirley had brought her here.

He cleared his throat. "She's supposed to be in daycare."

"Her mama asked me to get her so that we could all have lunch after you win the debate." Shirley smiled mischievously and laced her fingers together on her lap.

Jeff rolled his eyes. He pulled out of the hug and let Maddie climb into his arms. He lifted her and then sat down on the other side of Shirley.

As Maddie nuzzled her head into his shoulder and sucked her thumb, he said in a calm and soothing voice, "We might not win."

Shirley shook her head. "Of course you will, Jeffrey." Her tone becoming lighter, she added, "And um, even if for some reason you don't, we can still all get together. It will be so nice."

He whispered something in Maddie's ear, which elicited a chuckle before he placed a kiss on her head. "Fine. You'll keep her occupied then during this fiasco? Seriously, she can't be in here. She'll get bored."

"Maybe she could win it for you. If she has the gift of gab like her parents, we'll be all set."

Jeff squinted over at Britta and watched as she stuck out her tongue.

Shirley gave Britta a light swat on the leg. "Brit-ta will play with her in her office. But I'd like to stay and watch."

He arched a brow and affected a nonchalant tone, "And my better half?"

Shirley grinned. "She'll be here shortly. She didn't want to miss it."

"She knows she doesn't have to come by. This whole thing is stupid."

"Jeffrey, if An-nie wants to watch your team compete and walk a little bit down memory lane, then let her."

"Is that how she phrased it?"

"Pretty much."

Jeff let out a sigh as he looked over at the stage.

Britta leaned over and said, "Plus I'm pretty sure she gets turned on by the idea of seeing you back on this stage, even if you'll only be sitting there this time. It wouldn't surprise me if her tongue were down your throat the moment you guys finish up. You know, like the _good old days_."

He didn't suppress his smirk this time. "Hey, who am I to stop her?"

"Pig."

" _Piggies go oink oink."_

"That's right, Maddie. They do."

"Britta, knock it off."

She scowled but had a hint of a smile as she turned to look down at her boots.

Jeff watched her with bemusement. "You know, you're teaching her to disrespect me."

She shrugged, a smug expression on her face.

With a change to a more sincere tone he added, "Thank you for helping out today. And a double thank you when Annie gets here."

"Yeah, yeah."

X

X

X

A little while later, Britta and Maddie left, and the gymnasium began to slowly fill. Maybe not fill exactly, but a surprising number of students flowed in. While Jeff figured most of them were from City College, he surprisingly recognized quite a few of them from his law class. He supposed they were there to cheer on their classmates.

The Dean hopped onto the stage and placed his hands on the table. He glanced over Jeff and the debaters.

"You all look so fierce!" He smiled as he took in the sight of them all wearing Greendale debate sweaters. He nodded approvingly at Jeff, aware of the fact that he had the old version of the vest.

The vest from 2009, to be exact.

Jeff frowned. "We're as ready as we're going to be, right guys?"

Doc and Janine nodded, shuffling their index cards as they stared into the audience.

Jeff and the Dean leaned over so that they could see the other side of the stage and proceeded to mouth mocking words in Stephen Spreck's direction.

X

X

X

Jeff sensed she was there before he could even look up. He was in the middle of a quick and hushed review with his debaters, but found himself warming as he realized she would be there, cheering them on.

And if anyone was his good luck charm, it was Annie Edison-Winger.

He raised his head from the semi-huddle and smiled, his eyes widening in disbelief as she saw her pushing the stroller through the door with Duncan's assistance in holding it open.

He hoped to god she was going to hand off Sebastian to Duncan. Although the thought of his often-impulsive friend watching over his ten-week-old infant was more than a little unsettling, he would prefer it to taking the risk that the baby wouldn't fuss during the debate. Although he knew Annie didn't like to be apart from their son for too long at this age, he trusted she knew babies didn't mix with these types of events.

Annie lifted her head with confidence and smiled broadly at him as she continued to push the forward facing newborn stroller toward the front row. Shirley eagerly moved her purse out of the way so that she could get settled.

Jeff noticed she had also made room for Duncan and there was space for the stroller.

Damn.

He shot Annie a questioning look as she and Duncan joined Shirley.

She merely shrugged and gave a slight wave.

He hushed his debaters, turned and mouthed silently to her, "Why is he here?"

Annie smiled tightly as she reached over and carefully picked up the baby, settling him on her lap facing outward.

Jeff couldn't help his turning his lips up slightly as he made eye contact with Sebastian, who was drooling and beginning to chuckle. Jeff couldn't help but notice the kid was wearing an onesie with the phrase, _I'm handsome like my daddy_ on the front.

He had to give it to Annie that she knew how to butter him up.

She mouthed back, "He needs me."

Jeff closed his eyes for a few moments and willed himself not to panic. Sure, the kid tended to scream through the night but if he were in Annie's arms, he'd probably be fine. That was his most favorite spot on earth. It was Jeff's favorite spot, too, but he wasn't seeing much of it lately. He opened his eyes and gave a reassuring smile before turning back to his students.

"Who's the lady? She's pretty."

He thought to himself, _yeah, she is._

He snapped his attention back to the situation as perhaps a bit short.

"Shut up, Doc. Focus."

In their preparations, Jeff missed Troy and Abed, fresh off the plane from LA, settling into the row in back of Annie, ready with bags of baby toys and diapers.

X

X

X

Jeff tried not to be distracted during the debate. One could say he was allowed to relax a little, since he wasn't the one actually speaking, but that was part of the problem. Jeff Winger never liked to sit back when he had the ability to control a situation. And hearing inane arguments come from the likes of Simmons Jr Douche Boy and having the perfect comeback ready and not being able to use it was driving him more than a little insane.

He scribbled something on a piece of paper and within seconds tossed a makeshift paper airplane over at Janine.

"Ow!"

He smirked as she opened the paper, looked over at him in wonder and then proceeded to debate the living hell out of Simmons.

X

X

X

Although Greendale's team scored some crucial points earlier on, City College managed to close the gap, and they were now tied.

Jeff did is best to give a charming smile over at the judges, but they remained stone-faced as always.

Annie almost absentmindedly bounced Sebastian on her lap and remained fixated on the nuances of the debate.

Jeff was glad so far the baby had been fairly quiet, and then noticed he was sucking on a Greendale Community College pacifier. Unsure of where Annie had even gotten that thing, he reminded himself to ask her if she had it tested for lead. He assumed they could do things like that at her forensics lab.

Simmons droned on, "And that is why man is not selfish. Man is giving. Man is generous. Man is patient."

It was at this moment that baby Sebastian decided to spit out his pacifier and begin to cry.

Annie's eyes met Jeff's and she gave her most determined expression as she turned the baby toward her. She then looked down Sebastian and gave him a reassuring smile before lifting him up to her shoulder.

Everyone in the gymnasium turned to stare. Simmons stopped his speech and gave the Greendale debaters the smuggest smile Jeff had ever seen. Jeff noticed because he frantically began shifting his gaze between Simmons, Janine and Doc, and Annie.

Shirley leaned over and picked up the pacifier, wiped it off with her blouse, and then attempted to hand it to Annie, who merely looked at her in annoyance.

Jeff knew it was because they both may have been a little paranoid about their kids and germs. At the same time, he was feeling now was the time not to be picky about those types of things.

Duncan cringed and reached over to the stroller, motioning Annie to follow him. Annie ignored him, focusing her attention on the baby, while murmuring some encouraging words to him.

Jeff cast a pleading look at Troy and Abed, who by now he noticed were there. He figured their reunion and all the feelings associated with it could wait until later. He knew if anyone could save them it was Abed.

While Troy was frantically dumping out various baby items from a surprisingly large carryon bag, Abed merely glanced back and forth between the fussing baby and Simmons.

Jeff could have sworn there was a glimmer of glee in Abed's eyes.

The crying transformed into shrieking.

Jeff shot over a worried expression to Janine, who was standing behind her podium like a deer caught in someone's headlights.

Her ears aching from the baby's screams, Janine turned over a phrase in her mind.

 _You always have to be prepared for things not to go your way. Use interruptions to your advantage._

Suddenly, she snapped into action and shouted:

"Babies are selfish! Babies are not patient! Babies demand to have their needs met!" She looked over at Annie, who gave a nod and proceeded to unbutton her blouse and pull Sebastian to her chest so that he could nurse.

Jeff ignored the flash of boob and sat in complete bafflement, his mind spinning at his student's words.

As the screaming stopped, Janine added, "Babies don't care about interrupting debates. Babies are us at our most primal form. Man is selfish!"

Annie regarded their son with pride as he calmed down and continued to nurse.

"Greendale wins!"

There was a round of thunderous applause.

X

X

X

"So, that was interesting."

Annie beamed up at Jeff as she finished tucking in a now sleeping Sebastian back into his stroller. The debate had finished fifteen minutes prior, with a now dwindling crowd making their ways toward the door. Shirley, Duncan, Troy, and Abed had all gone ahead to meet Britta and Maddie, and the Dean was up on the stage and still in the process of hugging Janine and Doc perhaps a little too tightly.

"Wasn't his timing just perfect?"

Jeff sat down next to her and smirked. "Yeah, it's almost as if he's on a nursing schedule."

She looked back down at the baby.

"It's not like I know exactly when he's going to need to feed, Jeff. It can be erratic."

"Um hmm."

She turned to him and gasped, giving him a very light swat with a burp cloth. "Oh please! It's not like I knew he was going to do that! I fed him before we went in."

"So he's extra hungry today?" Jeff grabbed the burp cloth from her and regarded the spitty residue with a frown before he reluctantly began to examine his debate vest.

"He must be going through a growth spurt."

Jeff placed the cloth down on the empty seat to his left and then reached down to pull Sebastian's blanket up a little higher under his arms, watching as their son's chest moved up and down with contentment.

Smiling softly, he remarked, "He did a pretty good job. He's almost as good at debate as his mom."

"Maybe he could be on your team someday?" Annie tilted her head and fluttered her lashes.

His response was swift, "We've been over this. Our children are not going to school here."

At her resulting chuckle, he added, "And besides, I won't be coaching debate when he's in college. This was just a one time thing."

She frowned. "But Craig told me Eustace isn't coming back."

Jeff, who had been still hunched down and staring at their sleeping son, snapped up his head in alarm.

X

X

X

Jeff felt the rush of outside air as the door to the Shake Shack opened. He turned to see the Dean giddily making his way toward the group.

They were all seated at a long table. Jeff with Maddie on his lap, Annie with a sleeping Sebastian in her arms, Shirley, Britta, Duncan, Troy, Abed, and Jeff's students with a few of their friends who were all in Jeff's law class.

The Dean placed his hands on his hips and smiled.

"Well, look at all of you. My, it warms my heart to see my students and my former students all together, like a big happy family. And Troy and Abed, I'm so glad you could make it in! Shirley told me you were surprising Jeffrey!"

"Hey, Dean!" Troy grinned and bounced in his seat.

Abed pointed his index finger outward and gave a nod.

" _Hi, Dean!"_

The Dean turned and crouched down, meeting Maddie at her eye level.

"Well hello there, Miss Maddie. It is very nice to see you. And little baby Sebastian. You are both getting so big."

As the Dean reached over toward the sleeping baby, Jeff stilled his arm.

"Craig, a word?"

The Dean narrowed his eyes. "Of course."

Jeff stood and handed Maddie off to Abed. He motioned for the Dean to follow him. They made their way to the back of the restaurant.

The Dean looked up at him with an expression of innocence.

Jeff placed his hand on the jukebox and took a deep breath. "Annie tells me Eustice has decided to retire early."

The Dean nodded. "It appears he's gotten a taste of the non academic life. He wants to move to Spain."

"I see."

"And make more love to his wife."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "That sounds like Eustice."

The Dean tilted his head and appeared to ponder something for a few moments.

He then gasped a little too forcefully and exclaimed, "Why, Jeffrey! I have just the idea! Since Eustice won't be returning, you could be our new debate coach! After all, you did lead us to victory today. We finally have a second trophy."

Jeff's expression tightened and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"No way, Craig."

The Dean's eyes grew larger and more innocent looking. "But Jeffrey, think how many trophies you could win. I love Eustice, but we both know he wasn't up to the task. He was always getting distracted by the butterfly nets and encouraged the students to be too cocky and positive. Why you have the killer instinct to not coddle them and keep them focused. We need you."

Jeff glanced back at the table to catch Annie staring intently over at them. He raised his eyebrows and she vigorously nodded.

He turned back to the Dean.

"Oh hell. Fine."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you've made me so happy."

Jeff sighed as he let the Dean fling his arms around him.

"I want a closer parking spot."

"Done."

"And a grading assistant for next semester."

"Now, Jeffrey, I can't do everything…"

Taking a stab at something he long-suspected, Jeff interjected, "Or I tell Eustice you're the one who gave Britta the mayonnaise. He might have ammunition for a lawsuit."

"Fair enough."


End file.
